Parent Toolkit

Accommodation

When families change their behaviour to avoid causing a child temporary distress. It may stop a meltdown in the moment but research shows it worsens behaviour over time.

Your child says they won't eat what you made (even though they like it), so you make a second dinner.

Affective Calmness

Showing a calm voice and demeanour even when you don't feel calm inside. It models regulation and signals that your child's behaviour doesn't control your response.

Your child yells at you impatiently and you keep your tone steady and matter-of-fact.

Argument / Reasoning / Negotiation Vortex

Circular back-and-forth that pulls you off-topic, undermines your authority and resolves nothing. Children with ADHD often steer parents into one of these three traps.

“I already gave my answer and it won't change. However you feel about that is okay.”

Armchair Therapist

Analysing your child's behaviour with questions like ‘Why did you do that?' or ‘How did that make you feel?'. Well-intentioned but usually re-escalates the child.

Authoritative Parenting

High expectations balanced with empathy. Fair, loving, calm, consistent leadership. Research links it to the best social, emotional and academic outcomes.

Before-and-Now Praise

Praise that highlights growth in a lagging skill — flexibility, following directions, accepting a limit, considering others.

“Before, you would have argued about cleaning up. Now you just did it.”

Brain Break

A short reset (not a punishment) when your child starts to get stuck, frustrated, inflexible or disrespectful. Offered calmly, with options for what to do.

“You're yelling because you're frustrated. Please take a Brain Break in the living room — colour or listen to music, then come back when your brain is calm.”

Choices Language

Frames behaviour and outcome as choices the child owns, instead of threats or punishments.

“If you choose to do your chores, you choose to have your LEGO time after dinner. If you ignore your chores, you choose not to have LEGO time.”

Clean-Up

Making amends through a small helpful action rather than a forced apology. Teaches relationship reciprocity.

“You said unkind things to me earlier. Can you do a clean-up by helping me load the dishwasher?”

Clear, Concise & Concrete Language

The ADHD brain struggles with vague concepts. Spell out exactly what you want and don't want.

Vague: ‘Use kind words.' → Concrete: ‘We do not curse or insult each other.'

Clock Strategy (Feeling Time)

Use a non-ticking analog clock with dry-erase markers. Colour in how long the activity lasts and a different colour for the last five minutes (Future Plan Time). Builds time awareness even before they can tell time.

Co-Regulation

When a child is dysregulated their brain can't think clearly. Model calm instead of joining their chaos — your regulation guides theirs back.

Currency / Incentives / Rewards

Things that motivate your child to push through a non-preferred task. Deliver as soon as possible after completion, within their time horizon.

“You can earn 15 minutes of YouTube Kids (7:30–7:45 am) if you're ready for school by 7:30.”

Emotional Manipulation

Self-defeating comments, threats or accusations used to avoid a task or punish you for a limit. Acknowledge with ‘okay' but don't engage — discussion reinforces it.

“I'm stupid.” “You don't care about me.” “You're never on my side.”

Empty Praise

Generic praise (‘Great job!', ‘You're so smart.') that isn't tied to effort, patience, flexibility or consideration. Has little impact.

Enlisting Supporters

Bring in respected adults outside the immediate family (grandparents, relatives, family friends) for encouragement — not lectures. Kids often care how outsiders see them.

Executive Function

The brain's operating system: managing non-preferred tasks, visualising the future, staying organised, learning from mistakes, feeling time. ADHD brains run this OS more slowly.

Executive Function Age (30% Rule)

Dr Russell Barkley's rule of thumb: children with ADHD are roughly 30% behind their chronological age in executive function. Meet them at that age, not their birthday.

Firm Stance

Naming clearly that a behaviour is not acceptable, without negotiation.

“You can not hit Mummy. I do not hit you and you do not hit me.”

Frontloading

Preparing your child for a new situation by describing what they'll see, hear and how you expect them to behave. Visual language works best.

“At the party there will be lots of people in Sam's backyard. It might be noisy. On the trampoline, stay on your feet and away from the sides.”

Future Plan Time

The last five minutes of an activity, marked in a different colour on the clock. Signals to start wrapping up and visualise what comes next.

Learned Helplessness

Acting less capable than they are so you'll rescue them from a non-preferred task. Not malicious — a resiliency gap. Don't take over.

“I don't remember how to put my lunchbox in my bag.” (after doing it many times)

"Noise"

Complaining, whining, arguing or venting when a demand is placed. Acknowledge once, then stop responding so it isn't reinforced.

“I hear you don't feel like getting dressed right now, but that's what's happening. I'll be in the kitchen.”

Non-Verbal Working Memory

‘Future thinking skills' — visualising yourself doing something later, imagining outcomes of choices, picturing what a finished task should look like. A core ADHD weakness.

Parent-Child Hierarchy

Parents lead; children follow. This structure creates emotional safety. In ADHD families the hierarchy often flips because challenging behaviour dictates the household.

Purposeful Recognition & Praise

Specific, concrete praise for effort, resilience, patience, consideration and flexibility — the skills that lag in ADHD.

“You waited patiently for our food. It's hard to wait, and you did it.”

Reactive Language

Emotional, threat-based responses to behaviour that invite escalation. Replace with Choices Language.

‘You're punished.' / ‘You lost your electronics.' / ‘I'm taking it away.'

Scaffolding

Structure and support that helps a child learn a new skill, gradually released until they can do it independently. Model → Guide → Apply → Release.

Scaffolding Free Time

Two clear options + a clear time limit + visual cue (clock) + a reward for sticking with it. Prevents the negative-attention spiral of unstructured time.

Stepping Into Parental Authority

Your child always knows you are in charge. Even when they disagree, this clarity reduces anxiety and builds confidence.